Catching Up With One's Self By Writing To Another

September 1, 2014

It's a shared sensation, the watching of romantic movies, and also for me there are the times of a good book, a provocative story, or just a drive during those times when you're enjoying being alone but wouldn't be nice to laugh or hold hands with another person because you can. I understand what you mean about being grateful for your freedom and indulging in time and activity or even inactivity because you can - after all, we're the kind of spouses and parents that devote ourselves entirely to our spouses and children, so of course we're entitled. And those who love us, they also understand these things, but can't help wanting to encourage us to find someone quickly, probably because they know our devoted demeanors and think we'd be happier as such. To answer your first question, no, it isn't bad to not want someone now, for it's not only a time for repair and evaluation of self, but also a progressive time to re-know and renew yourself. You'll know when that's happened. If physical contact or tenderness is needed, and I don't mean your children, you'll know when and how to satisfy that as well. To answer your second question, it took a few months to calm myself down and quell the energy spent on divorcing and adjusting before I really felt loneliness hit me, and just under a year before I got to know someone new, which of course began heavily with sex and subsequently diminished rather quickly because we'd both rushed it - she just wanted a sex partner and I wanted a relationship. Our children met and we'd go out, but they were little and fortunately didn't make much impression. There have been a few women since her, the last one being the one with whom I really saw a realistic opportunity. But even with her, my focus never drifted from my boys and the influence/impact she would have with and on them. As I told the boys, she who I would consider or who would consider me would have to feel about them as I do, for I would do the same for her children - and if she doesn't, she's not the one for us, much less for me. I've gone out or been intimate with a few women since divorcing, and shared real life and time with two of them, but, (and it may sound particular or unreasonable, though I don't feel it is) these last three years and these days, I've completed the recuperation and evaluation I wrote about above and have been more with the boys as they're older now and at times in their lives when their emotional and physical progress toward manhood requires our collective attention. One thing they agree on, I recently discovered, they shared with me in their words - that they would like me to be with someone who's as great a parent and loving a person as I am, since "we're good, Dad, and we love you and we want you to be happy like us". I tell you, they're amazing.