I hurt today, like I haven't hurt in a long, long time. Nothing metaphorical, symbolic, or poetic. I mean I'm feeling thin, worn, like I'm anemic, and my feet are so sore even though I'm sitting. I can't open my eyes completely because of the surprising weight of my head, while the thoughts inside whirl and twist disorganized and sloshy. I don't want to lie down, I'm only technically sitting as I lean on my forearms at this breakfast bar, and everything tastes like salt. I've taken an ample dosage of Excedrin Migraine, my otc of choice, hoping its reliability remains proven.
I was so angry yesterday, like Hulk angry, a persona that surfaces when in defense of my children, which was the case. I feel I was right, am right, as I don't apologize for what I must do occasionally and always to protect these finest of people, even against one who should share my enthusiasm and who should display a like maturity and focus, given her position and age. Another disappointment, as I continued to hope that time and trial would encourage growth, removal of hubris, and abandonment of puerile selfishness, and I found little has changed in this person. And so to meet the intrusive, inarticulate offender came the defensive, unforgiving beast I retain and restrain until such occasions.
And so I hurt today, because I perhaps shouldn't take it so seriously, but it must be done; because words of empathy and gestures of compromise and generosity have made little or no impression and so resolve and strength must be demonstrated; because this isn't really my way - I'm not an immovable, inconsolable monster, and quite frankly am insulted at having to become one because some people almost unavoidably and predictably try to take miles when ample footage has been offered and, I'd thought, satisfactorily taken.
But for my children, I'll do everything needed, as always have, as I always will, even after they themselves are able. Though they're growing quickly, I'll bear every pain I can, that they needn't. The creature inside me is born of love, brought by devotion.
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